We work in an effort to reach out into the quicksand historical trauma represents in an attempt to throw a life-line to everyone who will accept it. Some refuse; some ignore; some deny their need to be pulled from the quicksand, and then, there are those who are desperate and reach out knowing the desperate position they are in.
I will share with everyone, that I have peers who are non-native who have listened to my presentation of the history we know as Native people and encourage me. There are those within our Native communities who have encouraged us since the beginning. The number is growing in both communities. We are all human beings. It is just that some of us are Indians and we are trying to recover from the effects of historical trauma, brain trauma, and hostage syndrome. We are tired of the suicides, crime, spousal and child abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, the poverty and oppression and many are stepping forward to counteract these conditions. We know we need healing and we know the healing needs to begin in our spirits before we can ever realize it in the physical. I believe the story about the white dog and the black dog inside of us fighting. I know these are references to the force for good and the force for evil. These forces were identified more by what I felt under their influence than they were by some religious standard. I knew if my life path was not altered I would never feel whole or my life purposeful. I wanted whatever time I would spend in this world to be meaningful and of benefit to all people. For this position to be realized I had to find a way out of my spiritual and emotional dilemma and condition. I have shared that I was not a church-goer nor was I a Bible reader in those days. The only thing spiritual I was really aware of was the consciousness of the Presence of the Creator in His creation. Why I was conscious in this way, I don’t know? I like to think it was the blood memory of one of my ancestors who lived a life close to the Creator who was now influencing me. All through my young life, no matter how hard I tried to ignore or violate this consciousness, the influence never left me. I was made aware early on of the presence of demons in our home due to historical trauma, the boarding schools, reservations, prejudice, shame, fear, oppression, and the genetic interference all of this represented in the practices of the adults in our family. I was also made to identify those related behaviors I practiced and needed to overcome. I know what anguish is, and conviction, accompanied by fear and confusion. I know what it is to have little self worth and self confidence and I know what it is to be rejected consistently because of the color of my skin and my national origin. My first defense was to create an offense by confronting every real or imagined infraction directed at me and respond violently. These kinds of responses made it worse making me feel guilty and ashamed, but determined to never be made afraid again. The Creator was gentle with me, but my own actions and mentality was pushing me and prodding me into a corner until it seemed there was no way out. Suicide seemed the only option and the only immediate relief I could realize. I felt alone and abandoned…again. There has always been a part of me that wanted to “know.” Why did these kinds of things go on? Where did they originate from and why did people react the way they did? Was there a place of happiness or was I always going to be as miserable as I was? I can’t point at the exact date my spiritual quest began. Maybe it was when I was praying as a boy and asking the Creator if He even knew we, Native people, were present and what we were going through? I kind of think it began when I prayed and asked the Creator, “Please teach me the truth, not the way man would teach it, but the way you meant the truth to be learned?” I only know that I was sick and tired of the “victim” syndrome enveloping my life and I wanted to be free of it all. I began reasoning with myself, or so I thought, but looking back I realize that the questions being posed came from a greater mentality than mine. I was led to see the order and beauty of the Universe and in the relationship between every living thing. I was led to study and pray about origins and destinations. I was led to theaters of experience I would never have found on my own self. I wanted life and life more abundant than I knew. I heard a message encouraging me as to my own value as a human being, being wonderfully and fearfully made and all my members written in the Creator’s Book. I was led to be encouraged to believe that His good thoughts for me were greater than the grains of sand on the seashores. As I think of the old ways and beliefs of our Ancestors and all the old stories I have heard from many different tribes regarding life and the teachings that were passed down to each of us I see a definite pattern indicating the presence and influence of the Creator. I can only share with you my story. I am neither Protestant nor Catholic. I am just an Indian on my way to the promised land.
2 Comments
4/30/2017 09:20:27 pm
Miigwech Rolly, we have evangelized over the past 45 years. My life story to this point of my physical existence is presented in a book on amazon called "Dancing My Dream." I appreciate your words of encouragement.
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